ass affirmation


“What you gonna do with all that junk
all that junk inside your trunk?”
-Black Eyed Peas

Oh, yes, time for our daily affirmations:
‘I am a good person’.
‘I deserve love and cash to flow into my heart. And stuff’.
‘I’m beautiful!’ ‘People love me!’
That’s cool. I’ve got nothing against affirmations. But I prefer a different type myself. People say that where thoughts go, energy flows. Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But I believe that energy flows where pelvic thrusts go.

Yes, my ass is the channel through which I receive the blessings of the universe. Bear with me people, this ain’t dirty talk. I just see ass-shaking as the kind of Chakra alignment I personally need. I wasn’t raised with the blessing of ass shaking, quite the opposite. My biker family gifted me with the ability to shoot stuff, drink beer and write satire. All lovely, but my ass, well, it stayed still for too long.
I always thought I could start shaking my ass when it magically became perfect. When my ass resembled that shit they shake in music videos, which has a snowball’s chance in hell of happening. I was shy, embarassed, awkward.
And then one day I’d had enough! I wanted to shake my ass, goshdarnit! Enough fear of looking like a spaz, enough of my stupid mental block! And I did it.

Because affirmations are in our heads. Yes, it is nice to think positively, to love ourselves intellectually. To make lists of all the crap we’re grateful for, and meditate on lovingkindness. To me, the ass supercedes all the intellectual baggage. It is the seat, the root, the hump–and moving it literally grounds us in earth. It calls up the energy like tai chi. An increase in sexual expression, body acceptance, reproductive health, digestive stimulation can all follow.
I had always thought “ass” was funny, a metaphor. The butt of all jokes. But I have realized that it is quite real. Yes, medicinal ass-shaking is as old as dirt. Dancing is worship. Dancing is belonging. Dancing is exercise, stimulates circulation, builds muscles for childbirth, posture, sexuality and endurance.Take 2 crunks and a bounce and call me in the morning.

“dear goddess, we made this great beat just for you
as an offering, can you feel us now?”-Saul Williams

The earth wants to feel your stomps and sighs, your thrusts and whirls more than your endless chatter.

“Now you can use reiki to assist in magnetizing infinite blessings into your life”
-Laurelle Shanti Gaia
Yes, you can use reiki. You can buy motivational magnets.
You can arrange all the furnture in a way that creates prosperity. You can light a million candles, turn on all of the battery-powered essential oil diffusers and cloud the house with nag champa.
Or, you can thrust, shake, wiggle your liberated ass towards connection and enlightenment…for free.

2 thoughts on “ass affirmation

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